Evangelical Base Over-Stimulated

What began as an effort by Republicans to energize their evangelical base at the Faith and Freedom Coalition in Waukee, Iowa last Monday has led to a week-long orgy of destruction spanning seven states.

At the conclusion of the forum, a mob of hundreds of extremely galvanized members of the Christian Right descended upon Des Moines, the nearest town with a Planned Parenthood, and burned the building to the ground.

"We had very little time to escape," recounted one Planned Parenthood employee, "At first they were chanting 'baby killer', 'baby killer', but then it just became a bunch of wild gibberish."   

"Jesusizhanord!" screamed one of the evangelicals in response to a question regarding what it was that he was doing, "Rapterpenterfloo!"

On Tuesday, another mob of severely fired-up right-wingers destroyed a mosque in Kansas City with their bare hands, burned a Muslim-owned gas station, a Persian restaurant, and later an Italian restaurant. Since then, the radius of faith-fueled chaos has expanded to engulf most of the Midwest.

"Things might have gotten a little out of control, but we're working on calming these folks down and getting everything back to normal," Faith and Freedom Coalition founder Ralph Reed promised during a press conference this afternoon.

"A little out of control? Our town is gone!" cried a former resident of Springfield, Illinois, which was deemed a disaster area and condemned by the Environmental Protection Agency after a horde of evangelicals tore through the area Thursday night.

Added the woman: "These people are fucking crazy!"

Officials are cautiously optimistic that a plan to offer free all-you-can eat breakfasts at Old Country Buffets throughout the affected region will pacify the marauding swarms.