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House Passes $400 Kadrillion Jillion Funding Bill for War in Afghanistan
WASHINGTON D.C. — A war funding bill that will provide 400 kadrillion jillion dollars to subsidize U.S. military and logistical operations in Afghanistan passed the House on Monday and is expected to be approved by the Senate as early as tomorrow afternoon.
Centrist Democrats and fiscally conservative Republicans tipped the balance on the tightly contested bill, which legislators say will partially fund the training and deployment of 40 million additional troops to continue the mission of running over homemade explosive devices with large trucks in the region through the year 2045.
President Obama applauded the passing of the bill, proclaiming, "Failure in Afghanistan is not an option, and with this level of commitment, we can be assured of not failing there for a very long time."
Though liberal Democrats opposed to the increase in funding for the war were unsuccessful in their attempt to attach an $800 billion healthcare reform rider to the bill, they were able to extend by an extra week unemployment benefits for veterans of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan who've had their arms or legs blown off.
"Of course they will still need to provide satisfactory evidence to the Department of Veterans Affairs that their limbs were indeed lost in the war and not after or prior to their service, but I do consider this a significant victory," remarked Representative Maxine Waters D-CA.
Deputy Secretary of Defense William Lynn was also pleased to announce today that a 'significant portion' of the military's massive recruitment goal has already been achieved through a call to arms inserted between stages of the popular new video game Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2.
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