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Kitten Tried as Cat, Sentenced to Death

Winkie, a mixed breed kitten from Pensacola, Florida, was accused, tried as a cat and convicted by his owner Colleen Powers Tuesday for urinating on her business stationary and is being held at the local pound where he faces almost certain imminent death by chemical injection, sources reveal.

In the 5 weeks Winkie resided in the Powers' home, he was also found guilty of shredding the upholstery of a couch by using its leg as a scratching post and for breaking an expensive vase by knocking it from atop a dresser while "tearing around the house like a total freak".

"Three strikes and you're out," Powers proclaimed.

Powers' husband Donald defended Winkie, but was overruled by his wife.

"Winkie's prior infractions notwithstanding, I feel that the death penalty is an excessively severe punishment for the crime that was committed," he said, adding: "I also believe that capital punishment is not an effective means of deterring other pets from committing similar crimes. Rather, the fundamental causes of such criminality need to be addressed."

Colleen, a criminal attorney by profession, waved off Donald's sentiments, calling her husband’s remarks "typical bleeding heart claptrap".

"Winkie showed himself to be an inveterate mischief-maker whose innate criminal nature would make him impervious to any attempt at rehabilitation," she said, "Winkie was a very, very naughty kitty."

The incarceration of Winkie adds to the estimated 150,000 felines currently languishing in Florida's penal system - more than double the total number of African Americans and Hispanics imprisoned in the state combined - a troubling statistic that has spurred significant controversy over how to confront the growing epidemic.

Unemployed Molecular Feline Biologist Andy Buckman postulated: "A series of psychological and anatomical scientific tests have led me to conclude that the mind of a cat is dominated almost entirely by thoughts of fornication and senseless mischief. The common housecat has no concept of God, and is incapable of being redeemed through the light of Christ. Therefore, it is my belief that all cats are vessels of the devil and should be strangled on sight. A service I am, incidentally, willing to perform for free."

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