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Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis Cured by Some Fat Chick
Biomedical research scientists around the globe were shocked to discover today that Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS) has been cured by some fat chick.
Lori Paulus, a real hefty broad large enough to possibly have been mistaken for a planet by astronomers occupying the building next to her molecular biology laboratory at Stanford University, was the Principal Investigator of the study that has led to a cure of ALS – the fatal neurodegenerative disease that struck down Lou Gehrig and currently afflicts physicist Stephen Hawking.
"Though I always trusted in my (enormous) gut instinct that affecting a successful treatment of ALS could be gained through modulation of the promoter region of the HER2 gene, the actuality of this moment is beyond any professional aspiration I could blah, blah, blah," Paulus carried on before a group of journalists likely too distracted by concentrating on not imagining her naked to care.
"What a fattie," marveled one reporter in attendance at the press conference, "I couldn’t guess poundage, but I know I wouldn’t get between her and an ice cream truck."
Paulus, who, seriously, is the size of two normal-sized people stuck together, thanked the Lou Gehrig Foundation for subsidizing her research with two $1 million grants since 2004 – neither of which apparently restricted use of its funds for the purchase of hamburgers and candy bars.
"The generosity and prudence of the LGF has been instrumental in yada, yada, yada," the corpulent scientist babbled, her jowls jiggling with every word.
Whether anyone currently suffering from ALS would want to accept a remedy derived from research conducted by such a sloppy pig remains to be seen.
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