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World Panic Organization Raises Swine Flu Alert to 'Freak the Fuck Out'
The World Panic Commission (WPC) raised its pandemic alert level in response to the outbreak of swine flu to 'Freak The Fuck Out' this morning.
The move, which came just 24 hours after the commission elevated the same alert level from 'Grow Increasingly Hysterical' to 'Completely Lose It' yesterday, indicates the body has determined that we are all doomed.
"It’s everywhere! There's no escape!" freaked-the-fuck-out WPC spokesman Eric Redmond shrieked into a panel of microphones while tearing at his clothes during a press conference earlier today.
"AAAAAAAGH!" Redmond added after throwing himself through a 30th floor window.
Meanwhile, despite calling the WPC's recommendations to 'burn everything' and 'kill everyone' an overreaction, CNN has begun warning the populace against going outdoors and not watching CNN constantly for potentially life or death updates on the scourge.
"New, crucial warnings can come at anytime – even during commercial breaks," remarked CNN Newsroom Director Stephanie Gage, "Until this virus is contained, leaving one's home for any other reason than to purchase one of the possibly life saving products advertised by one of our sponsors could very well be tantamount to suicide."
An intern at the WPC has informed the media that commission chairman Michael Portnoy remains unavailable for comment on the heightened alert since he jumped onto his desk and began screaming at the top of his lungs approximately 4 hours ago.
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