Kill Yourself with Courtesy - Etiquette Tips for the Suicidal
By: Andrew Lott

Hey, how’s it going on your side of the mortal realm? If you’re anything like I was as a person, you can’t wait to tell the world to take your life and shove it and hit the ol’ dusty trail to the great beyond, but before you go putting that moonroof in your skull or pouring pills down your throat, there are some matters of suicide etiquette you should consider.

That’s right, etiquette. No matter how "sad" your life might be, there’s no excuse for being rude by killing yourself in a fashion that doesn’t limit the inconvenience done to those around you. In fact, being as considerate as possible about how you do yourself in is the least you can do assuming the likelihood that you're probably correct in assessing your existence up to now as all but entirely worthless.

Timing: When it comes to committing suicide in a courteous manner, timing is of significant importance. Though the conscientious suicidal depressive might find that it seems like no time is a considerate time to saw open the carotid artery in their neck with a straight razor, some times are certainly much better than others. For example, anniversaries and the wedding days of relatives and close friends are to be avoided. Christmas is also bad, as are birthdays – especially the actual day of someone’s actual birth. Trust me. I jumped off the Sempra Energy building in San Diego the day my niece was born, and the first thing my mom did after dying of cancer and crossing over last month was beat the non-living shit out of me. Boy was she pissed.

Location, Location, Location: Just like in real estate, location is key. Blowing your brains out within splatter distance of hand woven family tapestries or your Nana’s jewelry box is the kind of rude act that will stain your reputation in death as indelibly as the heirloom you so carelessly befouled. Also, carnivals, restaurant buffets, and the reception area at your kid’s karate school are terrible places to commit suicide, as are locations that would unduly startle those who discover you – such as your foyer. In fact, anywhere inside your home is bad since doing so will likely make your family want to move while adversely affecting the value of the property.

Method: Don’t get all carried away with your self-destructive self. What you might consider 'style points' usually translate to 'trauma points' and a bigger mess to clean up for those you leave behind.  Tying your head to a tree and hitting the gas or diving headfirst into a wood chipper might sound cool, but are actually quite rude.  Be considerate -  dig a hole at your local cemetery and shoot yourself.

Well, that’s about all there is to it. Have a considerate suicide, and better luck in your next life!