New Investment Funds for Evangelical Christians Filter Gay, Godless Companies

More investment firms on Wall Street have begun issuing mutual funds tailored 
to conform to the moral standards of evangelical Christians.

In contrast to dozens of other socially responsible investment funds (SRIs) 
already in existence that cater to more politically left-leaning and  
environmentally conscious individuals, SRIs marketed to evangelicals advertise 
their funds as havens for exclusively pro-American companies that are 
neither gay nor godless in any way.

“Naturally our customers want to make money, but what sets them apart 
from other investors is an overriding concern for their souls once they pass on 
from this life – in particular that they not be consigned to hell,” remarked 
Joel Barnes, manager of Vanguard’s Divine 500 Index Fund. 

Fund managers like Barnes point out that judging a company’s morality quotient can be not only arduous but 
precarious work considering what’s at stake, underscoring the importance of employing the assistance of 
knowledgeable professionals. 

Brady Banks of JPMorgan Chase remarked, “These days most companies are actually making a point of 
broadcasting their plans for ‘going green’ instead of staying red, white and blue, and certainly most of our clients 
are already aware that Time Warner promotes pagan lifestyle choices through their production of Harry Potter 
movies, but the vast majority are oblivious to the fact that Nokia is actually a foreign company or that the 
innocuously named Dean Foods makes over 25% of its profits from the sale of organic and soy-based foods – 
products that are widely recognized as gay.” 

Banks added: “And there are literally dozens of stocks like this lurking in every mutual fund on Wall Street. 
Hundreds, in fact.”

Testimonials from clients illustrate the growing popularity of SRI funds for evangelicals.

"It’s a peace of mind thing," commented one investor who moved the entirety of his retirement savings into 
Charles Schwab’s new WWJD Fund, "It helps me go to bed at night knowing my money isn’t going to support any
scientist baby killers or fag shit.”