Fed Spokesman Reports Economy Going All to Shit

Appearing before the House of Representatives this morning, economist and Federal Reserve Board of Governors member Randall Mishkin surprised as many on Capitol Hill with his assessment of the nation's economy as he did with the stark language he employed to do so.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not going to jerk you off," Mishkin prefaced his opening remarks, "The economy is going all to shit."

Mishkin proceeded to outline the macroscopic factors most culpable for the recession, a term he insisted any retard should be able to recognize as apt at this point.

"Despite the dollar steadily increasing in value as pieces of ass paper relative to its worth as currency, the gigantic, steaming dump the nation's debt is about to take on its credit rating will require substantially less metaphorical solutions to keep from shitting up Main Street America."

Mishkin continued, "Consumer confidence currently sucks the big one, and more people are wondering who they have to blow to get a decent paying job that doesn't involve additonal blowjobs just to pay their bills - most of which are on the rise as a direct or indirect result of the increasing price of oil, which by itself has got us all by the balls, let alone all this other bullshit."

Exhibiting a degree of candor that possibly reflected his recently announced plans for retiring in the very near future, Mishkin issued a prognostication of the country's long term economic salubrity that was as grim as it was obscene.

"Basically, until someone can figure out how to run this country on something other than the tarry crud we've been sucking out of the planet's shit tunnel for the last couple of centuries, we can count on taking it up the ass more or less indefinitely."

"On a scale of one to ten, I'd say we're pretty much fucked," Mishkin concluded.

Prior to making his exit, Mishkin took the opportunity to respond to a small handfull of Congressmen who voiced objections to the nature and vocabulary of his presentation.

Retorted Mishkin: "I don't know whether you lackwits are too stupid or pussyshit to acknowledge an economy whose welfare is dependent upon constant growth from a finite supply of resources is facing severe problems, but neither do I care. Fuck all you assholes, I'm going golfing."