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“God Hates Cripples” Says Fringe Christian Fundamentalist Group

Tulsa, Oklahoma - Several members of the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas and half a dozen local supporters took to the streets outside of a hospice for handicapped adults to protest what they call the deviant and defective lifestyle of the mentally and physically disabled Tuesday.

According to local police who monitored the event, the protest resembled dozens of others around the nation where followers of the church appear to vocally condemn the disabled, homosexuals, American war veterans and Sweden.

“The picketers are for the most part peaceful. Typically they show up at a place like this, wave their signs, chant ‘God hates retards’ or some derivation, take a lot of abuse from passerby, and leave. There was one incident in Little Rock where a man on crutches was pushed into a bush, but we haven’t experienced any problems today so far,” commented Tulsa Police Sergeant Brady Klingler.

Westboro Baptist Church founder Pastor Fred Phelps attempted to clarify his group’s position by proclaiming, “God doesn’t hate cripples because they’re crippled. Cripples are crippled because God hates them. Retards are brute beasts that shamelessly consume their own mucous the way vile dogs eat their own vomit. Their mind is of such a reprobate nature they are given to sexually gratifying themselves in public while their physically disabled cohorts take exorbitantly long periods of time to walk down narrow hallways, slowing the progress of those not despised by God and impeding their holy endeavors.”

As for their motives, the protestors do not believe in the potential for redemption of any disabled person and are not moved by a desire to save them; rather, they wish merely to torment the objects of God’s perceived enmity while calling for a retraction of all special privileges society currently grants them, including wheelchair ramps and handicapped parking spots.

“Cripples and retards are abominable to God, and are worthy only of death for their depraved slobbering, staggering, stammering ways,” fumed one picketer, adding, “Why should they be given the best parking spaces? Why should we waste precious resources on wheelchairs and crutches? If it is God’s will that they should not walk, then let them crawl like the snakes they are!”

Meanwhile, in the odd protest’s most bizarre moment, a young man relegated to a wheelchair by cerebral palsy, likely enchanted by the rhythm of their chanting, entered the group and joined in a chorus of, “When a tard dies, God laughs” before being yelled at by one of the Westboro followers to: “Roll his crippled ass to hell”.

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