Malfunctioning Navigation Systems Leading Hundreds of Motorists to Their Deaths
If
your car's navigation system told you to drive off a cliff, would you do it? Tragically,
many would, and are, driving the death toll from accidents caused by anomolous
glitches in the network of satellites comprising the world's global positioning
system to over two hundred since last week.
The two hundredth victim, Michael Paulson of Cleveland, Ohio, drowned after driving his Lexus Sedan into Lake Erie last night.
In Minnesota Tuesday, thousands of horrified television viewers watched live footage aired on a local news program of a woman with two small children in her car careening wildly across the tarmac and runways of Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport after crashing through a fence and a security barrier surrounding the facility. Authorities later reported that she was on her way to the Mall of America and was merely following the instructions being provided her by her car's GPS navigation system.
Recounted one survivor of a head-on collision caused by a similar GPS malfunction in Sydney, Australia: "I saw the sign indicating the downtown street was one way in the opposite direction, but the GPS insisted I make the turn, and my wife told me to shut up and do what the thing said. So I figured, hell, he's the computer. What the hell do I know?"
As motorists continue to perish around the world, government officials are urging individuals whose vehicles possess GPS technology to revert to more traditional means of navigation until they identify and fix the source of the malfunctions.
"Unfortunately, we're no closer to diagnosing the problem and continue to investigate all avenues, including the possibility of terrorist sabotage," remarked a spokesman for the FBI this morning, "In the meantime, we're imploring drivers to abstain from using their GPS systems."
Meanwhile, a scarcity of paper maps has prompted consumer advocacy groups and governments around the world to petition the now defunct Rand McNally company to resume printing new road maps, but Mr. McNally has reportedly told everyone to, "Go fuck yourselves."
With: Barbara Bush