News From Next Month - Lindsay Lohan Commits Hit and Run, Teenage Victim Thrilled

Los Angeles, CA - Less than 48 hours after being released from her latest stint in rehab, Hollywood starlet Lindsay Lohan was pulled dazed, drunk and confused from behind the wheel of a mangled Mercedes Benz SUV into the glaring light of the paparazzi and fresh trouble last night after hitting a teenage girl, then driving into a tree, authorities report.

According to witnesses, Lohan, whose blood alcohol content was determined to be 0.22, nearly triple the legal limit, swerved off the road and into pedestrian sidewalk traffic on Santa Monica Blvd. around 7:50 pm yesterday, striking Rachel Felton, 13, and launching her through the front window of a Russian bakery before trying to flee, only to have her escape attempt thwarted by the trunk of a palm tree less than one hundred feet away.

Reportedly, the news of the identity of her assailant was a boon to the spirits of Felton, who is in serious but stable condition at Cedars Sinai Hospital with a broken pelvis, a spinal contusion and severe lacerations to her head and face.

"I've never seen such a sudden transformation," remarked one of the nurses caring for Felton, "She went from complete anguish from the pain and realization that she might never walk again to unbridled exuberance over the news that she'd been run over by Lindsay Lohan."

Felton, who counts herself as Lohan's biggest fan, says that being mowed down by her drunken, drug-addled idol is the coolest thing to have ever happened to her.

"It's so awesome. I mean, what are the chances? This is so cool. My friends are going to be totally jealous," she gushed in spite of her sedation.

Indeed, despite possibly being paralyzed for life and nearly killed by Lohan, Felton professes an unshakable desire to emulate her favorite celebrity.

"I hope I'll be able to walk again, but if not, I'll be happy as long as I can still move my head and arms to give hand jobs and blow jobs, drink, take all kinds of drugs and drive one of those cars they modify for cripples onto sidewalks, through crowded parks, and into brick walls," says Felton.