Suspended Police Officer Reduced to Beating, Gassing Own Family

Lubbock, TX – While an internal investigation continues to wrangle with the question of whether excessive force was used by Deputy Kyle Ramsey during his arrest of a loitering suspect two weeks ago, the officer has resorted to beating and gassing his own family during his paid suspension.

Though Ramsey, 38, says he’' much rather be back meting out immoderately rough justice to the "slimeballs" walking the streets, he reports taking consolation in the opportunity to whip his household into shape during his involuntary furlough.

"From the general lack of respect for authority to the dozens of violations of fundamental house rules I’ve observed perpetrated by the familial cohabitants of my dwelling, something needed to be done to restore law and order," remarked Ramsey.

According to Ramsey's wife Casey, since being suspended her husband has Tasered their nine year-old daughter Sandy for resisting the enforcement of a bedtime order, deployed a canister of tear gas to neutralize a video game related altercation between their sons Matthew 12, and Kyle Jr., 14, and was herself bludgeoned with a plastic sandal for running the vacuum while he was napping for the stated purpose of teaching her a lesson.

"Kyle has really straightened things up around here," Casey commented timorously, "But sometimes I wonder whether his disciplinary methods are a bit too severe."

Not so, says Officer Ramsey.

"It's a well documented fact that peremptory force is the best way to deal with criminals. Take my daughter Sandy, for instance. After a routine inventory of the cookie jar indicated the theft of three Oreos, she denied being the perp despite the presence of several black cookie crumbs in the corners of her mouth. Such a crime might seem minor to my wife, but to me, lying to a police officer is serious business. She sung like a canary though when I dangled her by her ankles from outside an upstairs window, and hasn’t repeated the offense since spending a night in solitary confinement locked in the basement."

Added Ramsey: "And it would seem it's about time I had a good cop, bad cop discussion with my wife on the topic of insubordination. Only I always play the bad cop, and there aren't any other police officers living in my house."