Home World National Opinion Local Entertainment Home And Garden Advice Farts And Giggles  

                Links Advertise Contact

Nine Year-Old Outvoted 3-1 In Family Suicide Pact

Despite the stubborn opposition to the plan by youngest member Robby, the Peterson family of Whispering Water Lane in San Jose, California will commit suicide together this weekend after systematically destroying all their possessions, patriarch Dennis reports.

Robby, 9, cast the only dissenting vote against the alienated family's suicide pact yesterday, with Dennis, his wife Michelle and sixteen year-old daughter Courtney all voting in favor.

"It wasn't unexpected. Robby's very naive," remarked Mr. Peterson, "He says he wants to keep living in this tedious, miserable world. Well, maybe I don't want to spend another ten crushing years in a fucking cubicle to keep putting food in his belly just so he can crap it out a day later, over and over."

Dennis added sullenly, shaking his head: "I've really had it."

Robby, who counts his pet hamster Dumbledore, pizza and video games as reasons to live, lamented his immenent death.

"I don't want to die," he said, weeping quietly, "My birthday is next week. I want to have a party with my friends."

Courtney Peterson says Robby's fixation on frivolous, immaterial things is par for the course for her "immature" little brother.

"He's actually concerned about who'll take care of his Sims characters when he's dead. Please. This is what modern society has reduced us to - living vicariously through the exploits of imaginary people on a computer screen. If he wasn't so immature he'd understand how depressing that is."

Added Courtney: "Of course he's only nine, so he doesn't even know what depression is. If he knew what high school is like, he'd thank us. We're doing him a favor. I don't know where you go when you die, but nothing could be worse than San Jose."

In the event the family can't persuade Robby to see his life as worthless, Mr. Peterson dismisses the idea of excusing him from the death pact and letting him continue to live - for instance with one of his grandparents or uncles.

"No chance. We lived together on this hellhole of a planet as a family, and we're going to die as a family. After we smash everything in this sterile, soulless suburban prison and burn all our money, we're going to poison ourselves. That'll show 'em"

Read More

“God Hates Cripples” Says Fringe Christian Fundamentalist Group

Diehard Fans Protest Planned Removal of Metallica's Feeding Tube

Man Shows Ex-Girlfriend By Castrating Himself

That's My Little Girl Getting Gang Banged on the Internet! - By: Randy Belhorne

  Apple iTunes