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Michigan Family to Lay Off 25% of Offspring

The Prendergast family of Grand Rapids, Michigan announced this morning it will lay off 25% of its offspring as part of a cost-cutting plan in response to the current economic recession.
The move to let go two of their eight children, Jacob, 8, and Emily, 6, was the culmination of a rigorous and difficult evaluation of the family's financial status and long term viability, according to its co-founders, Bill and Cindy.
"These are hard and painful steps," Bill Prendergast said in an interview with the Grand Rapids Press, "We love all of our kids, but conditions precipitated by my wife having her hours at the Gerald Ford Museum cut in recent months combined with the burdensome costs of supporting such a large family and the obvious redundancies of having five boys and three girls made these cuts implicitly necessary."
Added Prendergast: "Naturally we are grateful for the memories and domestic support provided in the form of household chores performed by our former dependents over the years, and we wish them the best of luck in their future endeavors."
Jacob and Emily, who were spotted loitering in a Fulton Street Pizza Hut parking lot after being treated to a farewell meal there Friday evening, were ambivalent regarding what they'll do next.
"I'm cold," Emily remarked, "I want to go home."
As lamentable as such decisions are to make, many economic analysts applauded the Prendergast's move, calling the cuts essential to restoring public confidence in the ongoing solvency of the family.

"Looking over the Prendergast's financial reports for the last couple of years, I'd say these cuts were a long time coming," said Joel Neumeyer of e-MasterTrade, "If anything, I'd say this family needs to reduce their utility and grocery costs through at least another 16.7% cut to their number of dependents in order to remain viable, perhaps by disowning their pubescent son Simon, a big eater whose 102 I.Q. and lack of any discernable talent would represent the highest savings to risk ratio of the remaining offspring."

Still, the Prendergast's decision to lay off two of their children has been criticized by some, including Cindy's brother Roger Grubman.

"It just seems something like that should be your last possible resort," said Grubman, "And yet Cindy smokes two packs a day, and the last time I was over Bill was still getting the NFL Sunday Ticket package on his DirecTV."

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