Ancient Race of Christian Man Discovered – Evolution Debunked?

A group of Christian scientists triumphantly announced their discovery of archaeological evidence that could disprove the theory of evolution once and for all during a news conference at the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky yesterday.

Although careful to disclaim the conclusions they’ve begun extrapolating from the brittle, pre-historic artifacts harvested from a recovery site located deep within the Ozarks of northern Arkansas, the researchers claim that they are very, very old, pre-dating the point evolutionists claim humans branched off from their primate family tree by a very long time – likely as many as many, many centuries.

“Despite the fact that the area's uncommonly rigid soil and humid climate kept this exceptional site very well preserved and above ground for millions of years, the puzzle will take some time to completely assemble," commented Travis Turley, the project’s team leader, "But from the analysis we’ve conducted so far one thing is for certain – there were men before there were monkeys.”

According to Turley’s team’s findings, including the physical remains of an entire family unit consisting of a father, mother, a male child and a four legged monkey presumed to be their pet, pre-historic humans living in the southern region of what is now the United States walked upright, subsisted from an omnivorous diet consisting of a variety of microwaveable and pre-packaged foods, watched television, and were predominately Christian.

"Incredibly, these extraordinary people reached a commensurate level of technological and cultural sophistication with modern man millions of years ago. Evidence demonstrates that the pre-historic Christian lived in motorized and mobile homes which could be moved from place to place, enjoyed watching television - especially professional wrestling matches they preserved using their own primitive equivalents of contemporary video recording devices, and had invented gun powder and firearms," Turley reported, adding: "In fact, one could argue they were more advanced than us in some regards as they presaged the eventual coming of Christ."

So what became of this ancient, precocious civilization of man?

“Pre-historic Christians flourished under a framework of strong family values and a free market system of commerce for thousands of years before falling out of God’s good graces somehow, possibly by adopting a tolerance for homosexual lifestyles, precipitating an invasion by liberal hordes from the northeast,” Turley explained.

“Overrun, the heretics attempted to stamp out pre-Christian society by stifling their economy with a multitude of onerous taxes and imposing mandatory abortions. Furthermore, facial and other anatomical features observed in the child suggests the barbarian invaders had sex with the pre-Christians’ pet monkeys – an abomination that accounts for the emergence of those simian creatures whose fossils would give rise to the flawed theory of evolution while, at the time, constituted another source of anguish so profound that many pre-Christians, including the family in question here, were driven to breach the edicts of their faith and tragically turn their guns on themselves.”