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Homosexual New York City Street Gangs Infiltrating Middle America

Authorities say that homosexual street gangs have begun to proliferate across the nation, confusing and terrifying the populace of even the most bucolic middle American towns.

Originating from New York City, gay gangsters swearing allegiance to Gotham rival sets the Sharks and Jets are "taking the show on the road" in large numbers, police say, leading to an influx in cute little trinkets, avant-garde fashion, and the spontaneous unfolding of seemingly choreographed skirmishes between the two gangs on main streets all over the country.

“Traveling in finger snapping, strutting packs, the members of the Sharks and Jets support their overtly gay lifestyles by aggressively peddling exotic homemade fashions, fashion accessories and pieces of art to unsuspecting members of the communities they move into, often by openly mocking the individual’s more practical tastes,” NYPD Lt. Timothy Hargrove detailed during this month’s national police summit on interstate street gangs.

Hargrove elaborated: “Being highly territorial and possessing a seemingly insatiable penchant for singing and carrying on in an extremely gay manner, encounters between the two adversary gangs typically beget prolonged public dance-offs featuring copious amounts of simulated violence, coordinated prancing, and derisive banter found to be highly irritating to most heterosexual passerby.”

According to residents of Emporia, Kansas, just one of the many small US towns reporting to have been affected by the dissemination of the gangs, their fair town is being overrun.

“They’re everywhere, and I’ve had it up to here. Just yesterday I was at the mall when a pack of them started sidling by me and my wife, whispering in unison over and over that there was going to be a rumble, a rumble, a rumble,” local Kevin Trafford recounted, “So, fed up, I shouted, ‘Great, I hope you knock each of your queer blocks off!’”

Regardless of how aggravating the homosexual gangs may be to some, the police are helpless to do anything to stop them since, technically, they aren’t breaking any laws.

Remarked Lt. Hargrove: “The Sharks and Jets are known for their meticulous conformance with the law. The paperwork for their business ventures is always in order, upon closer inspection their weapons invariably prove to be novelty combs or made of candy, and even when they have one of their so-called brawls involving eight or more people, nobody is ever actually harmed, and they always have the proper public performance permit on hand.”

Added Hargrove: “I implore citizens not to take the law into their own hands when dealing with the Sharks and Jets. They might be a nuisance, but ultimately what these people crave most is attention, so the best tactic any community can employ is to ignore them, and hopefully they’ll go away.”

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