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Horrible, Useless Funeral Etiquette Tips
• Upon learning of a passing, it's proper to pay your respects to the grieving family in the form of a visit. If you live a moderate distance away, look into carpooling with other acquantances of the family needing to fulfill the same obligation. If you live a distance away you consider prohibitive, at least send an email that says, "Sorry so-and-so died. So-and-so will be missed."
• If the deceased owed you money or had borrowed an item from you, it is generally not appropriate to approach their spouse or close family members about your remuneration during the funeral service unless it will be inconvenient for you to do so in the future and the debt is greater than $100 or the item is something expensive like a power tool or video camera
• It is not appropriate to play loud rap or heavy metal music with your windows down while taking part in a funeral procession unless it is a Slayer song on the radio you haven't heard in a long time, because Slayer rules
• If your friend enjoyed indulging in narcotics while alive, you might put a little bag of baking powder (or what have you) in his pocket when nobody is watching during the viewing. That way you're not wasting good stuff in case there is no afterlife; while if there is, it'll be a pretty funny gag
• If one should "pass gas" during the viewing it is never appropriate to blame the deed on the deceased, no matter how amusing it might seem. If however the corpse does release gas, remember that this is perfectly natural and try not to laugh
• You should wear dark colors to a funeral. If you just got through playing in a baseball game or working a child's birthday party as a clown, take the time to stop home and change, even if it means you'll be a little late
• Making a casserole for a friend in mourning is a nice gesture as it will allow them more free time to sit around boo-hooing and feeling sorry for themselves. If you live a long distance away, aren't much of a cook or just don't feel like it, you can at least mail them some pizza delivery coupons
• When addressing the bereaved, be sincere and don't be afraid to say what you truly feel - for instance, "I sure wish he'd looked both ways before stepping in front of that delivery van", or, "Life sure is funny; I've driven much more drunk than he was, and not a scratch."
• It is customary for the host of any funeral reception to provide alcoholic beverages. If they have not or you are experiencing difficulty locating them, it is appropriate to inquire as to their whereabouts
• If the deceased was overweight, it is not appropriate to make sound effects allusive to this fact during the lowering of the casket
• Regardless of how asinine and spineless peoples' affinity for use of euphemisms such as 'passed on' and 'dearly departed' are, it is generally frowned upon to leap upon a chair or table and rant at the top of your lungs that your friend is, "Fucking dead!"
• It is probably not a good idea to offer to eulogize the deceased if you didn't know them very well. If for some idiotic reason you do so however, just make up a story nobody can refute or copy what the last person said using different adjectives
•It is okay to compliment the spouse of the deceased on their appearance if they are highly attractive; however, it is generally not appropriate to ask them out on a date or make overtures of a sexual nature
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