What Kind of Laxative would Jesus Buy?
By: Eilene Sherbert

As both a devout Christian and consumer, I'm constantly wondering what products Jesus would buy. Which diet soda would he drink? What kind of shoes would he wear? What brand of pain relievers and anti-depressants would he ask his physician about, and if those pills should make him severely constipated, what kind of laxative would he buy?

These are the questions that haunt my soul while I’m shuffling aimlessly through Old Navy, or find myself standing for long, ambivalent moments in a grocery store aisle, my eyes floating endlessly back and forth between two equally priced brands of frozen pizza whose packaging make nearly identical claims of deliciousness. And though I petition His divine guidance to save me from choosing a handbag that will make my hips look big or from purchasing a brand of toilet paper that will irritate my son’s sensitive fanny, I am still oftentimes left lost.

Naturally, I understand that my Lord and Savior must be quite busy up in heaven and can’t spend all His time answering individual inquiries from people like me who are wondering what brand of tampon would earn His loyal patronage if He were a woman with a moderate to heavy flow on peak menstruation days, which is why I wish He’d choose sometime soon to make His glorious return to our earthly realm and start shooting some commercials. After all, I figure if that Peyton Manning can still manage to stay the best quarterback in football despite all the time he takes away from practice to film six hundred ads each year, Jesus could do at least half as many while sorting out all the planet’s sinners, heretics and such.

Oh yes, what a terrific day that would be when Jesus would appear on our television screens to cast away all our consumer confusion and show us befuddled, hapless consumers the light. He’d tell us which salad dressing is tastiest, which pickup trucks have the strongest torque and biggest payload for our buck, which spray-able carpet cleaner gets pet stains out the quickest and easiest, and even which telephone company provides the best cell service – all without the slightest dissemblance, because Jesus wouldn’t be in it for the money; no, He’d do it all out of the goodness of his big, benevolent heart.

And if He was afraid showing his face in advertisements would undermine his integrity as the Messiah, I wouldn’t mind if He stuck to voiceovers. Just like those beer and car commercials narrated by Edward Norton, George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Alec Baldwin, my sobconscious would identify his voice as appealing and trustworthy, and I'd know the product was good.