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God Refuses to Provide for Octamom’s Eight Children
The hopes of Nadya Suleman were dashed today after God issued a statement indicating He has no intention of providing for any of the octuplets she gave birth to in January.
"Those aint my kids," the Almighty said, "That crazy bitch is on her own."
Though unreachable for comment, Suleman was likely disappointed by the news after remarking in an interview with Ann Curry of NBC's Today Show that she had faith that God would take care of her kids.
"I don't know what gave her that stupid idea, I got enough damn kids to take care of as it is," scoffed The Lord, "I got like, twelve billion in India alone. I don't know what I was thinking. Now I gotta either make more food for them to eat or put up with the humongous surge in prayers I'm bound to get - 'Waaaah, I'm starving to death' this, 'Please God, those death squads you sent to kill me are trying to kill me' that. Jesus Christ."
Despite acknowledging that it was likely a lost cause, God implored Ms. Suleman to stop petitioning Him for aid, and cease attempting to contact Him altogether.
"Being an omniscient deity, I realize I can't just change my phone number, but I've got nothing to say to that broad and would prefer if both of us would put each other out of each others' minds for good. Frankly, just thinking of her makes me kind of sick," He said.
God did disclaim harboring any malice towards Suleman's octuplets, and insisted He has no immediate intention to mark them for death.
"I'm not going to kill them, I'm just saying I'm not going to take care of them," He said, "I'll let the tax paying saps living in the United States worry about that."
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