Angelina Jolie Takes A Poop

BEVERLY HILLS, CA - Bee stung beauty Angelina Jolie reportedly bolted for the bathroom while patronizing Pierre Francisco's posh Parisian restaurant on Melrose Boulevard to poo Monday evening.

Jolie, who had been dining with heart-throb hubby Brad "Benjamin Button" Pitt, curiously quit her table midway through her meal pursuant to the pretext of pining to pretty her pair of pouty pucker pillows only to instead take what an assemblage of awe-struck onlookers described as "A Mighty Dump".

"After a few seconds of the tell-tale tinkle of celebrity pee meeting four star toilet water, a cacophonous blast of flatulence emanated from Mrs. Jolie's stall," recounted Jeffrey Smalls, who was inside the luxurious ladies room at the time, "I then heard her mutter the words, 'Oh shit', and make a plaintive groan before another long, oscillating burst of gas gave way to what sounded like wet cement being forced through a garden hose."

Geeky gastroenterologist Dr. George Hoffman offered his pedantic perspective on the putrid proceedings.

"Judging from the audio files made available to me, it is likely the food Mrs. Jolie consumed that evening passed partially digested through her intestines and forcefully out her anus in a manner that would justify the speculation of an undiagnosed allergy responsible for her sudden distress, and ultimately the exceedingly rare glimpse into the true biological nature of celebrities."

Meanwhile, could the racy revelation that Lara Croft herself evaculates her bowels prove a pick-me-up to the populace during these dreary days of dismal destitution?

Said one Sorry Susan: "I poop once, sometimes twice a day, and just to think that someone as rich and famous as Angelina Jolie also poops is absolutely amazing."