Israeli Bombing Leaves Gaza Strip In Slightly Better Condition

Hearing the concussive boom of a five hundred pound bomb detonate in the direction of her neighborhood as she scrambled home from prostituting herself to Hamas militants in exchange for fresh water and bread, 15 year-old Shireen Shehadeh of Gaza City was pleasantly surprised to discover the crumbling pile of cement in which she lived in better condition than she had left it Tuesday morning.

As similar stories of Israel’s ponderous attempt to bomb the Gaza Strip somehow deeper into the Stone Age percolate from the region, its military officials have begun brainstorming new ways of making the lives of its Palestinian inhabitants even more miserable using techniques not involving destroying their already blighted, devastated landscape.  

"It is true that the bombardment of several targets in Gaza with conventional weapons has actually improved their inhabitability – for instance by transforming cold piles of rubble into cratered piles of flaming rubble capable of providing shelter and temporary sources of fire for heat," remarked Major General Moshe Schossen of the Israeli Defence Forces, "This is a dilemma we’re taking measures to resolve."

Indeed, the increasingly counterproductive effects seen from Israel’s use of conventional weaponry in the Gaza Strip has all but proven them obsolete against the resilient Palestinian population there and elsewhere, rendering a recent multi-billion dollar effort to replace all the zinc and iron in their munitions with metals not possessing any nutritional value a tragic waste of resources.

"From a scientific standpoint, intelligence indicates that we’ve maximized the entropy of the region, meaning that the application of additional, normally destructive forms of energy such as that which is produced by the detonation of large bombs would actually decrease the physical chaos there," commented Schossen.

Though reports suggest that Israel has already begun to introduce new, unconventional means of war into Gaza, including the use of loudspeakers to blare Hava Nagila up and down its city streets, the outmoding of its former, neater weapons has come as a great disappointment for the military.

"It's sad to think I'll never get to empty an entire magazine of Hellfire missiles into a Palestinian apartment building again, but I guess all good things come to an end," lamented Israeli Apache helicopter pilot Amir Levi, "Somehow we can't kill them all, and bombing the hell out of them only makes them more angry for some reason."