Sullied: Hudson River Plane Landing a Hoax

Apparently there is a reason "Captain" Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger has not returned to piloting airplanes since the last one he was in was found floating in the Hudson River – because he’s never flown one in his life.

A drifter and part time actor who was once convicted of drunk driving in 1982, the discovery of another one of Sullenberger’s other identities by a man who recognized him as Dean Hazard in the 1986 X-rated film "Locker Room Jocks" triggered the unraveling of the story of US Flight 1549 as perhaps the greatest hoax ever to be perpetrated on the American people.

Banking on the population’s thirst for an uplifting story amidst the gloom of a failing economy and the media’s willingness to cooperate by stymieing the eye witness testimony of hundreds of New Yorkers who reportedly saw the aircraft and compliment of actors and extras being towed into the middle of the Hudson by a tug boat, the chilling reality that nothing good will ever happen again in this moribund nation was reiterated when the conspiracy was revealed a day after Sullenberger, aka Rudolph Schmidt, aka Rosco Belcher, aka Arpad Lautrec, aka Harry Baconsweatherfordstein, was presented the key to New York City.

"I knew it, I just freakin’ knew it was too good to be true," fumed American John Marsch, "This is just fucked."

Deputy Secretary of Defense William Lynn, who has already acknowledged his department's role in the ruse, defended the intentions of those responsible, if not their attention to details in the plot's execution.

"Hey, so our administration tried something to cheer the country up a bit, something positive, so crucify us," he said, "But dropping a plane into the river beats the hell out of flying it into a building."