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Tips for Fighting Depression for Non-Crybabies

• There’s nothing more annoying than having to share a residence with a chronically depressed person, so don’t feel guilty about sending them off “somewhere where they can get the help they need”. After all, the people who work in places like that make good money to have to deal with all those basket cases.

• If you can’t afford a mental asylum, create some sensorial separation from your depressive by soundproofing their room. If the fancy kind of insulation is too pricey, taping cardboard or styrofoam egg containers to the walls can help prevent your depressive’s plaintive wails and moans from reverberating throughout the house.

• No matter how low someone thinks they are, there are always people who have it worse. A day trip to a burn unit or a low-income senior living center should help put a smile on your depressive’s face.

• Most depressed people will say they don’t know why they’re depressed. If, after you give them a good, hard shaking they say they still don’t know, try slapping them once across the face. If at this point they say they still don’t know, it’s okay to throw your hands in the air and give up.

• Guilt can be a powerful weapon against the blues. For example, offering your depressed relative frequent reminders about all the extra work and sacrifice you’re having to commit to while they lie around feeling sorry for themselves should help pull them out of their funk.

• Many people who are depressed over a sense of uselessness are indeed completely useless. Other than drugging or shocking them into a catatonic stupor that liberates them from the awareness of this fact, there is nothing to be done for these people.

• If your depressive is stubborn about seeing a medical doctor, try introducing them to your friend Dr. Jack Daniels.

• Urge your depressive to look to Christianity or some other religious faith to help them restore their sense of hope. Later, after this crutch has helped them get back on their feet, you can all have a good laugh about how desperate they must have been to have bought into such nonsense.

• Watch funny movies together, but be careful of the so-called comedies you choose. For instance, comedies directed by Tyler Perry or that star Ben Stiller or Owen Wilson that weren’t directed by Wes Anderson are amongst the most depressing films ever made.

• Two and a half words: Slip N’ Slide!

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