Big Crybaby Released after Being Wrongfully Imprisoned for 20 Years
Denver, CO – After serving two decades behind bars for rape and murder, big crybaby Rudy Upshaw was released today after new DNA evidence proved he wasn’t responsible for the fatal assault.
“WAAAAAAH, I spent twenty years in prison for a crime I didn’t commit,” blubbered a tearful Upshaw during a press conference outside the Denver Superior Courthouse, “Boo-fucking-hoo.”
The 41 year-old Upshaw, an unemployed high school dropout who was quite possibly guilty of something warranting a lengthy prison term that he’d eluded punishment for prior to his wrongful conviction in 1987, expressed nothing but self-pity during his obnoxiously maudlin speech, showing no remorse for the fact that his release will spell interminable heartache for the friends and family of the victim, whose only consolation was the illusion that justice had been done.
“I guess I’ll try to get on with my life, but I don’t know how. So much of it has been taken from me,” Upshaw sniveled before succumbing to a fit of choking sobs.
The exoneration marks the 214th of its kind in the United States to be rendered by DNA evidence according to the Innocence Project in New York, a non-profit group comprised of individuals with apparently nothing better to do than to fight for the release of prisoners who, whether guilty of the crimes they were convicted of or not, have likely been converted into dangerous sociopaths during their years spent stewing inside America’s malignant penal system.
“It’s been a long, arduous struggle in Rudy’s case, but to see him finally emerge from those doors a free man makes it all worth it,” Innocence Project attorney Christine Black remarked stupidly.
Meanwhile, though no announcement has been made regarding any possible monetary compensation, precedence established by similar cases portends the likelihood that the state of Colorado will submit to rewarding Upshaw at least one million dollars of tax payer money for him to piss away on crack and prostitutes.
What Kind of Laxative Would Jesus Buy? - By: Eileen Sherbert