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Iraq War Veteran Dies Trying to Protect Buffet Ice Cream Machine from Obese Woman

Home just eight weeks after being wounded during his second tour in Iraq, Javier Rodriguez of Macon, Georgia died in a valiant attempt to protect the financial solvency of his new employer from the gluttony of an overweight customer when he inserted himself between the soft serve ice cream machine at a Country House Buffet restaurant and a four hundred pound woman Thursday afternoon.

According to official reports, Rodriguez, a non-US citizen who served eighteen months in Iraq before being discharged after sustaining the ill-effects of a concussive blast in January, died almost immediately from trauma he received from Jessica Clark of nearby Glenhaven when he attempted to repel the morbidly obese woman’s seventh trip back to the all-you-can-eat restaurant’s dessert bar.

“Soon as he done it I said to myself, ‘That boy’s got a screw loose standin’ between a fat lady and her sundae cart like that',” described one eyewitness, “But even though he looked real scared, he stood his ground and started begging her, saying ‘Please lady no’, and something about having a wife and kid to feed at home as the big fat cow started mooing, going, 'moooo', 'moooo', louder and louder until I realize she’s saying ‘move’, but he wouldn’t back down. I aint never seen nothin' braver.”

After an estimated 30 second stand-off, Clark struck Rodriguez over the head with a clubbed fist, then stomped his prone body once before pouring a seventh large bowl of vanilla-chocolate swirl ice cream topped with hot fudge, brownie bits, M&Ms, peanuts and rainbow jimmies which she consumed inside of three minutes, well before the police arrived.

Commented Country House Buffet manager Chuck Patterson, “For Javier it was not only about protecting the business he depended upon to provide for his family. It was something more. There was something about witnessing a very overweight person sweat while consuming fifteen fried fish filets, three pounds of lasagna and a gallon of clam chowder in one sitting that his sense of honor couldn’t abide by.”

Continued Patterson: “But I blame myself. I shouldn’t have told him what a predicament these people were putting our restaurant in. I should have known he’d try something like this.”

In view of Rodriguez’s immigration status and the fact that he will not qualify for the attendant benefits a possible posthumous conferral of citizenship by the US government would bring if he had died in combat, friends and family are humbly requesting donations for a memorial service be sent to P.O. Box 2360, Macon, Georgia

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