I'd Like to Thank the Troops for Fighting for My Freedom to Say Incredibly Stupid Shit
By: George Powers

Is it fair that come election time, my vote is counted the same as those of my black and gay counterparts? As if dressing up in ridiculous costumes to either suck balls or spin them on the tip of your finger makes someone as qualified as me to select the best candidate for the job? Please. I say we give them half a vote each. What do you think of that? If you happen to be a queer, or a nigger, or a nigger-queer, or someone with an IQ above that of a retarded wetback job-stealer, you probably think that was extremely offensive and stupid, but guess what? I don't care because my idiotic words got your attention, and boy do I love attention!

Which is why I'd like to thank the troops for fighting for my freedom to say such incredibly stupid shit. Because, naturally, if it weren't for the thousands of American soldiers who've been killed or injured in the civil war triggered by the toppling of Saddam Hussein's government four years ago, I wouldn't be able to go around shooting my mouth off about all the dumb crap that creeps into my head whenever and wherever I want to. The terrorists would have taken over and shredded the Constitution by now, severely impairing my capacity to get people to notice me by aggravating the fuck out of them by regurgitating with impunity the kind of mindless jargon I just got through spewing.

Now, lest you should get the wrong impression, I'm not some communist pussy who professes unconditional support for the freedom of speech, because how controversial would that be? On the contrary, just the other day I posted a message in an internet discussion forum saying people who openly oppose the Bush administration should be shaved bald and put into work camps weaving their former hair into wigs for more patriotic Americans who've been afflicted with cancer or male pattern baldness. You should've seen how many responses I got for that one. I believe it was some kind of site record.

Of course, the scope of the kind of expression I hold the troops in gratitude for protecting from the sinister machinations of the evil-doers is not limited to the incredibly stupid spoken word alone. Rather, thanks to those soldiers' brave sacrifice, I can still wear an attention grabbing t-shirt that reads "Stop Your Global Whining!" around town or put a huge homemade poster of Barack Obama in a turbin with a talk balloon that says "I'm a fag" on my garage.

Well, that last one I ended up having to take down after the home owner's association got wind of it, but that's okay. After all, authority should be obeyed, and I could move out of the neighborhood if I don't like it. Much the same way all these pro-terrorist liberals should stop flapping their gums about the Patriot Act and saving the trees and go move to China if they don't like freedom anymore. Try to figure that one out, asshole.