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Army Enlisting Pigs for Battlefield Rape Training

The U.S. Army announced today that it will continue to facilitate the rape of live pigs in battle exercises for soldiers headed to war.

The Army claims the practice is crucial for soldiers who will be committing rape against native inhabitants of Iraq and Afghanistan.  Concerned activists call the training cruel and bizarre.

Colonel Richard Klegg, spokesman for the 25th Infantry Division, insisted that the objectives of the training are far from extraordinary when viewed within their proper historical context, and that every pig used is very well treated, aside from the rape.

"Rape is an essential element to any war in that there cannot be a war without a significant amount of rape," said Klegg, "These measures are being adopted simply to keep our men safe."

Klegg added: "Furthermore, each pig is issued $100 and permitted two hours to shower at the conclusion of every exercise."

According to an unnamed source, the pigs are acquired mostly from bars and trailer parks adjacent to the Army bases where the training is conducted.

PFC Joseph Paulson commented on the controversial training he received during his basic training at Fort Bragg.

"Yeah, I wish they'd get us some better looking women, but I understand that would compromise the integrity of the whole thing. I guess the chicks over in these countries are all pretty gruesome."

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