Hundreds Line Up for Free Beatings

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Responding to a local ad campaign offering free beatings, hundreds lined up outside a Manhattan pawn shop this morning, eager to get their faces punched in.

Dressed in everything from pajamas to business suits, patrons of the promotion cited a variety of reasons for waiting as long as 3 hours to be brutally pummeled.

"In today's economy you've got to take what you can get," noted a man who drove 50 miles from East Brunswick, New Jersey with his wife and two children to take advantage of the offer, "I'm not too lazy to beat my own wife and kids, but they don't listen to me no matter what, anyway. And besides, I've been getting a bit cocky myself lately."

One woman, apparently one of many who participated despite not being aware of the true nature of the event, slurred through a fat lip and several broken teeth, "I assumed the line was for donuts or some new cell phone, but when I got to the front somebody broke a bottle over my head and some big men took turns punching me in my face."

Manny Giampapa, the owner of Ace Pawn, called the promotion a "stimulus" for the average man.

"From reading the newspapers to just walking around, it suddenly came to me. What people in this country need most right now is to have their fucking asses kicked," he said.

Perhaps inspired by Ace, Capitol One announced today that they will begin raping every customer that opens a new account with their company from now until the end of time.