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I’m Like, Totally a Master of Simile and Superlative
By: Lindsay Hart

Hey, did you know that I’m like, a master of simile and superlative? Totally. I don’t know what that means, but like, this old guy totally told me I was after that funeral I like, had to go to for my dad’s brother’s kid or whatever.

Yeah, it was like, totally lame. Doy.

Anyway, like, totally.

Did you go to Pinkberry last night? I like, totally love that place. That shit is like, so fucking good it should totally be, like, illegal or something. Seriously, I’m like eight gazillion pounds fatter since that place opened.  Hey, wait. Like, what does this guy want?

Excuse me? Like, why don’t you go outside? I totally paid $30 for this concert too, so I can talk if I want to. What? Yes that does too make fucking sense.  And I totally don’t hear anyone else complaining. It’s like, only you or whatever.

Gah, like, what a total spaz!

So anyway, as I was saa-ying, like, what was I saying? Like, I totally can’t remember now.  Like, I totally hate when that happens! Does that ever happen to you? You’re like, totally in the middle of saying something, and like, you totally forget it or whatever? I know, it’s like I totally have that one disease that makes you forget shit, or something.

Yeah, totally. I know, right?

Like, totally. I mean, like – what? You again? What? Fine. Like totally go ahead and take a poll of the audience and see whether they’d rather hear The Decemberists play or me and my friend talk. You’re like, the only one who’s all uptight or whatever. Gah.

Whatever. So, like, have you ever seen these guys before? I know. I like, love their album, but I hear they like, so rock in concert. It’s like something to do with it being live that makes the music sound better or something, you know? Totally.

Like, now what dude?! Ow! Aackkckck! I lke, totly can’t, aaa-ck, cant bree-th. Yor lke, eh-huh, huhhhhh, choking me, or what-uhh-ever. Ehhuuhhhhh, AAAAACK! Yor like, kill-ing… ehhh-huhh-huh… me. Uhhh, I’m like, hehhhh… hehhh… heh… heh… totally dead and stuff.    

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