Poll Reveals 4% of Americans are Vampires

An alarming new poll indicates that 4% of Americans are vampires.

Up nearly fifteen-fold since 1958, when a scant 0.3% of the United States population was comprised by vampires, the numbers are ominous.

"The veritable explosion in the number of the undead walking the country, combined with the fact that the majority of these roughly 12 million vampires are under the age of twenty suggests that the vast proliferation of their kind can be traced to a recent influx in vampire attacks on normal teenagers over the past few years, a boom in conventional breeding amongst vampires during the 90s, or a combination of both," reported Allen Emory, of the Department of Health and Human Services.

Added Emory, gravely, "It also bears pointing out that it is highly likely that the number of vampires currently inhabiting our nation is actually quite higher, as this data only accounts for those vampires unsavvy enough to confess to being a vampire."

According to Victor Grigore of the Transylvania Vampire Institute in Romania, the first step necessary to vanquish the growing legion of ghouls amongst us is to educate the population on identifying the vampires they encounter during everyday life.

"The affliction of immortality causes the undead to often appear world-weary, dress in black and spend much time in coffee shops, and though many vampires will openly admit they are vampires when questioned, most are much more clever," Grigore says, "One way to confirm your suspicion that someone you know is indeed a vampire is to gauge their response to invitations to events that take place during the day time - picnics, trips to the beach and things of that nature. If they repeatedly make what seem like bad excuses for not going, they are certainly vampires, because vampires are allergic to the sun."

Contrary to a common misconception, there is more than one way to kill a vampire, but specific techniques still must be adhered to.

"Attempting to slay a vampire with conventional weapons such as firearms will prove ineffective as any wounds they sustain will spontaneously heal unless the bullet had been blessed by a priest and pierces the beast's heart. Stakes of ash, aspen, white thorn wood or iron driven through the vampire's heart with a single blow will send him or her back to hell, as will being submerged in boiling oil or holy water on a Friday - when their powers are at their weakest."

Authorities urge all parents of children who are vampires to not hesitate in killing them, as their souls are already lost.