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New Birth Control Pill Turns Women into Christian Fundamentalists
A new form of contraception that turns its user into a Christian fundamentalist will soon be available to American women after receiving final approval from the FDA yesterday.
Unlike other forms of birth control that utilize the hormones progestin and estrogen to prevent the fertilization of an egg by a sperm cell, Nomorcinin is composed of a proprietary formula of neurotransmitters that cause the woman taking it to develop a strong affinity for Jesus Christ and an equally fierce aversion to sex.
"The only way to avoid both unwanted pregnancy out of wedlock and an eternity in hell is to not have sex at all, lest it be for the purpose of procreation by husband and wife," proclaimed Trinity Pharmaceuticals CEO Bradley Feathers, "Other brands of contraception might prevent the implantation of an egg within the lining of a uterus, but only Nomorcinin banishes the voice of Satan from the gullible female mind."
Testimonials from women who used Nomorcinin during its clinical trials support its manufacturer's claims.
"Within a week of starting Nomorcinin I became blessed with the clarity of vision to recognize the evil contained in my boyfriend's penis," said recovering sinner Amanda Bard, "The thought that I allowed him to contaminate my loins with that poison spitting serpent now drives me that much harder during the long days I spend giving bullhorn sermons on street corners."
Nomorcinin, which also causes a high incidence of weight gain, violent mood swings, cognitive degeneration and delusional thoughts, has no reported side effects.
"I have to say, the stuff really works," remarked the husband of a Nomorcinin user, "After a month of taking it, my once quite sensual wife put on 40 pounds, bought $8,000 worth of cheap jewelry off the Home Shopping Network and started spending half her free time harassing people outside Planned Parenthood. I wouldn't fuck that crazy bitch for a million dollars."
*Nomorcinin is not recommended for mothers of children who are homosexual or suspected of being homosexual. Women who are already Chistian fundamentalists should not take Nomorcinin as it may lead to aneurysms, strokes, or spontaneous cerebral combustion.
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