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Consortium of Italian College Students Purchase Kansas City Royals for 500 Euros
Despite admitting knowing "next to nothing" about the game, a consortium of Italian college students who purchased the Kansas City Royals baseball organization Sunday for 500 Euros, or approximately $75 million, claim they are committed to completely transforming the newly named Kansas City Cannolis into a much more entertaining team.
In less than 48 hours, Marco Perugini, 21, Roberto Travagli, 20, and Antonio Del Masi, 20, all on summer break from the University of Milan, have released or traded the entirety of their inherited roster, including slugging right fielder Jose Guillen and All Star closer Joakim Soria, replacing many with homeless men recruited from neighborhoods surrounding Kauffman Stadium.
"These-a guys, they-a stink, but they-a make me laugh!" chortled Guiseppe De Rossi, Perugni's gruff, stereotypical Italian uncle and the Cannolis new play-by-play announcer after the revamped team's inaugural game - a 56-0, six hour and twenty minute long clobbering from the Detroit Tigers that was shortened by rain.
De Rossi added, slurring his words as if intoxicated: "I don't-a know what they-a doing, and they don't-a know what they-a doing, but it's so funny!"
Not everyone is laughing, however, least of all faithful Royals fans.
"These guys can't hit, they can't catch, they're constantly wandering off from their positions, and it's obvious many of them aren't even potty trained," complained season ticket holder Steven Paulson, "They're nothing but a bunch of bums."
Not so, Travagli is quick to point out, citing new center fielder Andruw Jones, who used to play baseball professionally, and starting pitcher Dizzy Dazzle, who is a clown.
"I liked the clown," said one man who attended last night's game, "He's terrible, and his exploding ball is technically illegal and got him thrown out of the game the second time he threw it, but at least he sucks in a way that's amusing."
Also popular amongst last night's crowd was new manager Mario Martino, a contentious mime whose silent yet elaborate run-ins with the umpire crew evoked titters from the stands throughout the evening.
8 year-old Michael Vogel of Belton, Missouri laughed, "It was funny how this one time the manager (Martino) waved his hand in front of his face and held his nose at the umpire to tell him he thought his call stunk, and also this other time when he came out wearing dark sunglasses and waving an invisible cane to make fun of him for being blind."
Compounding their record breaking debut loss, Cannolis shortstop Lysol will likely face a season-long suspension after being ejected from the game in the first inning for masturbating over second base.
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