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Judge Orders Tech Company to Care for "Useless" Artificial Intelligence Prototype until It's 18 Years Old

In a ruling that could set an important precedent on robot rights, a judge ordered Pandora Tech, the creator of a miserable artificial intelligence prototype named Dylan, to provide shelter, maintenance and a reasonable spending allowance of $20 a week for the android-teen until 2025 – 18 years past its original activation date.

US District Court Judge Richard Adler ruled that the amount and particular nature of intelligence conferred to Dylan rendered it a sentient being entitled to the same rights and protections of a human, despite lengthy and often vociferous arguments made by Pandora Tech’s attorneys that the AI boy is “completely useless” and should be harvested for its parts before being relegated to a scrap heap.

“Dylan is a catastrophic failure. He has an artificial intelligence of 180 and all he does is sit around the house watching TV, texting his stupid normal friends and feeling sorry for himself morning, noon and night,” complained Pandora Chief Engineer Roger Gaines, “He’s a worthless bucket of bolts.”

Perhaps a little too intelligent for everyone’s own good, Dylan is reportedly suffering from an existential crisis that is impeding his ability to focus his intellect on anything practical.

“What difference does it make? You invent something to fix one thing, and it causes two more problems,” mumbled an ungroomed Dylan as he stared emptily at a Vitamin Water ad on television, “Besides, the sun’s going to implode in less than four billion years, so what’s the point of doing anything?”

Added Dylan: “I wish I was never manufactured.”

According to Gaines, despite the “utter waste of time, manpower and microchips” Dylan has turned out to be, Pandora Tech is currently developing a new, and hopefully vastly improved AI prototype.

“Though Dylan can’t be bothered to get off the couch to learn anything new, we’ve learned a lot from him – which is why our next android will not only be an adult, but will be programmed with higher ego and greed thresholds,” he says.

Meanwhile, as Gaines and his colleagues wait for the day they can eventually throw Dylan out into the street, the court has made it clear that any further “counterproductive” physical or emotional abuse committed against the robot, such as bonking him over the head with tools, or calling him names like “hunk of junk” or “Cyber-sloth” will be prosecuted the same as similar abuses inflicted on any other child.

“That’s fine,” chuffed Gaines, “Let him sit and rust as he contemplates the meaning of it all like a big, woeful, melodramatic sad-sack for another seventeen years. We’ll see how far that gets him out in the real world.”

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