Osama Bin Laden Begins Threatening Americans Individually Via Email

In a possible attempt to revitalize his profile as a fear provoking international terrorist, Osama Bin Laden, or someone claiming to be him, has launched a new campaign of terror in which individual Americans are being individually threatened through their email accounts.

One message reads: “I am going to kill you, Patterson_Larry14. I have seen you with your family and driving in your car. You might think you are safe, but you are not. One day, when you least expect it I will get you and you will die like a dog. Do you think I am joking? We’ll see who is laughing when I show you the head of your loved one before I send you to hell. Sincerely, Osama Bin Laden”.

It is estimated that as many as ten million Americans have already received a personal death threat from Bin Laden to date, and although few derivations are seen within its text – one exception being a version that solicits its recipient to forward the correspondence to ten of their friends in exchange for the possibility of mercy – each message addresses its audience specifically by name, leading officials to take the matter ‘very seriously’.

Remarked President Bush, whose approval rating has jumped nearly a full percentage point since the inception of Bin Laden’s cyberterror blitz, “I can’t categorically confirm the legitimacy of these interweb threats, but something in my gut says they’re real. That is why I am calling upon my fellow Americans to continue to remain vigilant and to assure them that we will stay strong and never waiver in the face of terror.”

The position of the White House notwithstanding, many Americans have begun voicing doubt over the validity of the emails.

“Man, why would Osama Bin Laden call me ‘SnatchMaster-69’ for? That’s just the name I use on my junk mail account,” said one skeptic, adding, “And I don’t even have a car. I live in New York City. I replied to that jive turkey, told him to kiss my black ass.”

Commented another man who has yet to be threatened: “Do I think it’s real? I don’t know, but I hope I get mine soon. I’ll take getting an email from anyone, even Bin Laden. If mine includes the line about my ‘loved one’ I’ll know it’s fake though since I don’t have any. I thought I got one the other day, but it turned out to be Viagra spam in disguise.”