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President Bush Loses Risk Game to Twelve Year-Old Boy, Chimpanzee

Bush RiskGeorge Bush was defeated in a game of Risk by a twelve year-old boy and his pet chimpanzee during a visit to the household of a 9-11 widow in Hoboken, New Jersey this Tuesday.

According to Jesse Whittaker, who's father died in the south tower of the World Trade Center on 9-11, the President took interest in the game when he noticed it in the family's living room and challenged the boy and his pet chimpanzee Dennis to a round, only to be soundly trounced by his adversaries inside of thirty minutes.

"It was kind of cool at first to be playing the President at a game of world domination, but it didn't last very long because he isn't very good," Jesse remarked, "He did just about everything you're not supposed to do, and Dennis and I pretty much whooped his butt."

According to Jesse, among the President's many strategic blunders was his stubborn obsession with possessing the Middle East territory, and by extension the Asian continent from the game's inception, which, despite the valuable seven extra armies such a conquest yields each round, leaves players without a surplus of expendable troops vulnerable by virtue of its expansive size and six attackable fronts.

"Everyone knows you don't try to take Asia until last, but Mr. Bush kept saying the Middle East and South Asia was the 'key to everything' and kept putting all his guys there and launching attacks trying to get the whole continent, but even when he did get it this one time he never got the seven extra men because he didn't have enough guys left to defend it, so Dennis moved in from Alaska and smashed his measly one army in Kamchatka in one roll."

Evidently, the President also made the mistake of failing to recognize the tenuous, capricious nature of international allegiances.

"Mr. Bush and Dennis became allies at the beginning of the game, but when Dennis blew him out of Kamchatka Mr. Bush got mad," Jesse recounted, "He threw the dice across the room and called Dennis a 'stupid monkey'. Dennis and I tried to find them (the dice) but we ended up having to get some more out of Monopoly."

Added Jesse: "So then when it was Mr. Bush's turn he tried to get back at Dennis by invading his stronghold in Africa by attacking Egypt from the Middle East, but he lost because Dennis had like twice as many armies there, and before long he was toast."

Although appreciative of the President's visit and condolences for her family's loss, Jesse's mother Melissa expressed some disapproval of Mr. Bush's behavior.

"I am grateful that Mr. Bush chose my house from the small handful of 9-11 families who would have him, but I certainly wasn't too impressed with how he acted around my son or how he treated our chimpanzee. Seriously, if it were one of Jesse's neighborhood friends throwing dice and tantrums like that instead of the President, I would've tossed him out the door by the seat of his pants," commented Mrs. Whittaker.

Meanwhile, in a remark he reportedly made to a staff member, President Bush claimed to have let Jesse and Dennis win for their own self esteem and so he could 'get on with running the real world'.

 
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