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You’re Fat and Ugly - An Open Letter to the Young Girls of America
By: The King of Fashion

King of FashionGirls, girls, girls.  Now this may hurt a little to hear, but it’s really for your own good.  To put it bluntly, you’re fat and ugly.   Seriously, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. It looks like you’ve just come in from running through the woods.  Look at that hair!  Long rat nests went out with the 60s, honey.  Try heading down to a good salon for a cute little bob cut and it’ll be the first step on a long road to recovery. 

But sadly, your hair is just the tip of the iceberg.  For starters, it looks like you’re at least five pounds overweight. Have you ever even heard of the word ‘diet’? Too many carbs, that’s probably your problem.  Try taking a good hard look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Do I want to do all my life’s clothes shopping at Lane Bryant or at the cool stores where the cute, popular girls go?”  Jesus, and with that extra flab you’d think at least your breasts might be bigger.  But not in your case.  What’s up? Perhaps booby bandits made off with them, huh?  Help, Police!  There’s been a robbery!  Just kidding.  What are you, twelve?  Thirteen?  Maybe the boob fairy is just a little late.  But if she doesn’t come soon, you should really consider enlarging your breasts surgically.  You’ll be glad you did on your wedding day.

My God you’re a mess.  I feel I might swoon, but let’s press on.

Another big problem area I can identify is your face.  I’m sure your mother loves it, but at this rate she’s likely to be the only one.  No joking, it looks like Picasso might have had a hand in this living portrait.  Your nose is bulbous and a bit crooked from center.  Your lips are thin and pallid, your skin is blemished in spots by acne, and your eyes are the wrong color completely.  More beautiful people require modest amounts of makeup to accentuate their strengths and conceal their slight imperfections, but in your case I’d recommend liberal usage of a high quality brand of makeup like Estee Lauder or Clinique.  I’d also suggest you think about getting a nose job, collagen injections for your lips, and maybe have some of that fat sucked out of your chin.

And certainly NOT last NOR least is your clothes.  Now, not that you did it on purpose, I’m sure, but your wardrobe is an abomination of the current “Cheap is chic” trend.  You look more like “Chick is cheap”.   Seriously though, it looks like you actually went to a real thrift store or K-Mart to buy these rags.  This is wrong.  Not to say that such places don’t have the occasional item that’s cheap-cool, but to recognize such hidden gems takes a trained eye that you obviously don’t possess.   My advice is to stick to stores like Urban Outfitters where the clothes look cheap even though they’re not, but are always cool. 

I think that’s about all I can stomach for now, sorry.  I... I just can’t.  But if you follow the recommendations I’ve made for you, you should have a reasonable chance to at least manage to make a few semi-cool friends in life, and who knows, you might even land a boyfriend before the age of thirty-one, the year after all the Uglies turn desperate.

Now for crying out loud, go pull yourself together.

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