ICE Raids Liberate Terrible New Jobs, Homes for Americans

A series of coordinated raids by the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency (ICE) has liberated hundreds of terrible jobs and homes for Americans, ICE officials report.

Conducted over the past two weeks, the raids targeted illegal aliens where they live - in low income housing tenements and encampments throughout California, Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas.

An estimated 2,000 decrepit homes, tents and terrible, low paying jobs previously occupied by the migrants have been made available for American citizens as a result of the campaign, authorities say.

Michael Winter of Stockton, California, unemployed for more than ten months in large part due to competition posed by mostly illiterate, indigenous natives of Mexico who speak little English or Spanish, is thankful for his awful new job picking strawberries five times slower than his predecessors.

"Stooping over ten thousand times a day to hand pick ten thousand berries in the hot sun for half the money it would cost to rent an apartment for my family to sleep in isn't necessarily my dream job, but it definitely beats not having a job and living in a box in some canyon somewhere," Winter said.

Winter’s wife Sarah is as equally enthusiastic about the box she and her family are living in under an elder tree in Rosewell Canyon.

"The garbage bags nailed to the roof help keep some of the rain out," she said, "And the kids like it so far. Like they’re camping.  They enjoy pooping in holes in the ground and just tossing their litter wherever. At first I tried to keep all the garbage contained in one place, but then figured, 'fuck it'."

David Loemann of the Conservative Coalition of America applauded the ICE raids: "In today's globalized, free market world, we've come to recognize that laws against business, and Mexicans, are inherently evil."