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Real Life Murder Deemed Boring By Witnesses
The murder of a man in a Wichita, Kansas park was described as "boring" by each of its nine witnesses during interviews with the local police and media yesterday.
According to emergency response officials, the stabbing of James Clark, 27, in the middle of Central Riverside Park was so yawn-inducing that none of those who saw the crime unfold even bothered to call 911, and it wasn't until a jogger reported the incident five minutes later that an ambulance was dispatched - a delay that could have cost Clark his life.
"He (Clark) was talking to this guy when the dude just stabbed him in the gut real casual-like and walked off. That was it. The guy (Clark) said something lame like "Oooh" or "Aaah" and fell to the ground, and I was just all like, 'that was gay'," remarked a man who recalled finishing the cigarette he was smoking before leaving the park, but none of the assailants physical features.
The same man went on to describe how the slaying could have been made more exciting.
"Maybe instead of using that little knife, the killer could have used a chainsaw or an axe or something, and chased the guy around the park for awhile screaming about teaching him a lesson about messing with his woman before chopping his arm off and beating him with it like in Toxic Avenger. That would be pretty cool, because it would be interesting to see if the victim would choose to use his remaining arm to try to staunch the flow of blood from his shoulder stump or protect his face from being bludgeoned with his own severed limb. Either that, or maybe he could have forced the guy to bite the curb before stomping on the back of his head. I love that."
Other witnesses cited less outlandish standards for the magnitude of theatrics and gore they expect of a murder they would care to involve themselves with, but unanimously deemed the one they saw yesterday "not even close."
"I mean, there could have at least been an obscenity laden argument that preceded the stabbing, and the killer could have stabbed the guy a bunch of times in the face and arms or whatever while the victim wasted his final breaths begging for mercy and trying to defend himself from the storm of razor sharp steel," groused a woman who reportedly didn't even bother to walk over to take a picture of Clark with her cell phone as he lay dying, "But no, the guy just stabbed him once and he dropped like a sack of potatoes. Totally lame."
Meanwhile, encumbered by the general apathy of a jaded populace, and given that Clark's murder was the third such "boring" murder to take place in the Wichita area this month, police are concerned the killings could be the work of a cunning serial killer.
Remarked criminal psychologist Janice Zetterberg: "It could very well prove to be the case that we're facing a fiendishly clever new brand of serial murderer here - one whom, recognizing how desensitized most Americans have become to viloence - realizes he can kill with near impunity as long as he refrains from subjecting his victims to prolonged barbaric torture, avoids any high speed pursuits, and doesn't kill anoyone famous."
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