Last Jaguar in United States Euthanized for Lack of Health Insurance

Officials revealed today that the last wild jaguar known to live in the United States was euthanized at St. Francis Animal Hospital in Tucson, Arizona Monday after it was discovered he lacked health insurance.

The 16 year-old jaguar, a 118-pound male dubbed "Macho B" after being captured and fitted for a radio collar by the Arizona game and Fish Department in February, was found ailing from a kidney disorder that hospital administrators say would have cost an estimated $3,000 to treat.

"No insurance, no care. That’s just the way it is. We have a bottom line to keep," said St. Francis Hospital President Richard Beasley, "Otherwise every horse, raccoon and woodpecker with a sore throat or broken leg would come limping in here looking for free care, and we’d go out of business."

Reportedly, the jaguar's weakened condition enabled a veterinary technician to choke him to death at a nominal cost to taxpayers.

Macho B's demise sheds new light on an ongoing crisis affecting members of the animal kingdom living in the United States, 99.9% of which lack any health insurance.

Despite a recent surge in animosity aimed against animals by some who accuse them of stealing American jobs, especially within the film and adult entertainment industry, the unemployment rate amongst animals in the US continues to hover above 98%.

Gary Coker of the Free Market for Human Americans Foundation, who has called the prospect of government subsidized healthcare for animals a "perilous first step on a downward spiral leading to a nightmarish socialist hell-like world" remarked: "Whether provided by an employer or purchased individually, healthcare costs money. If these creatures want coverage, they should crawl out of whatever hole or tree they live in and get a job."