Eleven Year-Old Scientist Discovers Masturbation

Santa Clara, CA - Eleven year-old scientist Reese Vogel discovered masturbation this week, the youngest member of his peer group to do so.

The breakthrough, bearing striking similarities to the inadvertant discovery of penecillin, was made serendipitously by the young investigator while he watched a re-run of Saved by the Bell on his parents' living room floor last Friday morning.

"The girls on the show were talking about what they should do with this bunch of money they found at the mall when I started to think about what it would be like if they started taking off their clothes and kissing each other," Vogel said, recounting the empirical conditions that led to his discovery.

"Then I just started rubbing against the floor, and it felt pretty good and stuff, so I kept doing it while thinking about what was under Kelly's dress when all of a sudden it happened."

Despite a complete lack of any prior education on the subject and the "sticky mess" his research produced, Vogel has since dedicated himself to studying masturbation further, an endeavor that has already begun to yield exciting results.

"I found out on the computer that guys put their penises into girls' thingies, which seemed weird but also kind of neat, so I tried sticking my wiener into a jar of peanut butter, and it felt pretty good," Vogel reported.

Though not all of Vogel's experiments have been successful - a recent investigation into the oral sex simulating properties of a leaf blower bore disappointing results while another involving a shampoo bottle almost proved disastrous - the youthful scientist continues to make significant strides.

"This morning I discovered you can just use your hand to do it, and that it actually feels even better than condensed soup or a clarinet filled with warmed up mayonnaise," said Vogel.

"Also, that way you don't have to try to come up with a way to explain to your mom what happened to your sister's clarinet."