|Home||World||National||Opinion||Local||Entertainment||Home And Garden||Advice||Farts And Giggles|
We Must Pray Harder!
Okay Bombers, huddle up. Let’s go, take a knee.
Now I know why some of you are crying, after all, having God forsake you to the tune of a twenty-three to nothing shellacking on the baseball diamond is a humbling experience to say the least, and the fact that we’ve lost every game so far this year doesn’t exactly suggest we’re in His good graces, but take comfort in the knowledge that although our Lord can be wrathful, he is also a Lord of forgiveness, and I know for as certain as I’m standing here that if we pray harder we can still turn this season around.
Yes boys, the Lord giveth runs, and the Lord taketh them away.
No Shawn, God doesn’t hate you, per se. But he is very disappointed in you, and this is his way of showing us we must work harder to honor him. Take Michael’s three run error in center field today. What do you think made him miss that fly ball that bounced off his face and broke his teeth? Yes, it was the sun, but who created and controls the sun? That’s right, God does. And consider Jason’s wild pitching out there on the mound. He couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn, and when he did, God gave the Yankees batters the mighty strength to smash the ball half way to Bethlehem. Why? Well, why do you think? They must live more chaste and pious lives than we do.
What’s that Kenny? Whose side was God on when Jason threw that wild pitch that hit the kid on the other team while he was warming up in the on deck circle? Well, that’s a bit of a gray area I suppose. Let’s just chalk that one up to ‘The Lord works in mysterious ways’ and move on, shall we?
So how do we get back on the winning track? Well, first I suggest we double our weekly practice time and shift the venue from Boyd’s Field to St. Anthony’s Church. No gloves or bats will be necessary, but you might want to bring along some knee pads. Secondly, and this thing is a bit more sensitive, but it’s no secret that a lack of solemn prayer alone hasn’t saddled us with this 0-8 record, so it must be addressed. The issue here is masturbation. Now I know some of you are getting to the age where you’re starting to notice girls, but let me remind you in case your parents have been derelict in their duty that the manual stimulation of your own genitalia for the purpose of sexual self gratification is a sin, and each time you do it you cost our team at least a run. Got it fellas?
Okay, so to recap before we all dig into our sugar free ding dongs and tomato juice, what are we going to do? That’s right, pray harder and not masturbate. You never know, we might even still make the playoffs!
|Woman Who Spent $4,000 on “Slimming” Handbag Still A Fat, Shallow Cunt|
|Marilyn Manson Having Trouble Adjusting to New Suburban Lifestyle|
|Debate Corner - "I'm Not Gay" Vs. "Give Me Some Cock!"|
|9 Year-Old Boy Outvoted 3-1 In Family Suicide Pact|