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Marilyn Manson Having Trouble Adjusting to New Suburban Lifestyle
Marilyn Manson, the shock-rocker who has been the bane of suburban households across the country for over a decade by turning gloomy, androgynous nihilism into a teenage fashion trend is seemingly getting his karmic come-uppance since getting married and purchasing a home in Silverbrook Canyon Estates, an upscale enclave of Mission Viejo, California.
Despite having “settled down quite a bit” from his wilder days, Manson hasn’t let go of much of his affinity for the macabre, a fact that has engendered significant conflict amongst his new neighbors who seem more than willing to crack the whip of suburban justice on the gothic icon.
Whether all the infractions have been genuinely warranted or Manson is being targeted by a vindictive rabble, his neighbors, cloaked in the authority their home owner’s association charter confers them, have cited Marilyn for thirty-six violations since he and his wife Dita Von Teese moved in four months ago.
“Oh, if it’s not one thing it’s another,” remarked an exasperated Manson, “These Nazis write me up for everything. The new black trim I put around the windows, the Hearse parked in the driveway, Dita’s tulips, my lawn gargoyle… there’s this one guy who even comes by with a ruler to measure my grass, and if he finds any blade over two inches tall he fines me. I swear I spend half my life mowing the fucking yard.”
Added Manson, “And I know why - the guy blames me for turning his son gay. I tell you what though, I’m sure having an obsessive compulsive power mongering dipshit for a dad who spends his time standing in front of people’s houses with a stopwatch timing how long their garage doors are kept open probably has a lot more to do with it.”
Rebutted Silverbrook Canyon Estates home owner’s association president Tyler Weinke, “This has to do with the enforcement of our community’s CCRs and the property values they’re designed to protect and nothing at all with the millions of children Mr. Manson has corrupted. Rules are rules, and whether you’re Sam Smith or the son of Satan I’m going to cite you if I can hear your music - whether it be Aborted Puppy Crucifixion or Lawrence freakin’ Welk - from within five feet of your front door, and if you don’t pay up within a timely manner I’ll put a lien on your house until you do or the bank forecloses and sends your weird ass back to Hollywood where it belongs.”
Lamented Manson, “I don’t know what I was thinking getting into this domestic nightmare. Besides the suburban Gestapo riding my ass I got a wife nagging me to unclog this, sweep that and fix this. At this rate my next album, ‘I Smell Children Too’ won’t be done until my first born graduates from Yale.”
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