Ann Coulter Sex Video Leaked Onto Internet – Thousands Die

Explicit sex footage featuring Ann Coulter leaked onto the web yesterday, inducing thousands around the world to spontaneously commit suicide.

The video, a thirty-minute atrocity capturing the androgynous right wing pundit partially dressed in Nazi regalia committing violent sex acts on a frightened looking bellboy in a hotel room tallied over 1.2 million page views before being pulled from its host server this morning, officials report.

Commented one shaken survivor of the illicit footage, “It was awful. My memory is a bit hazy, but I remember she was (making love) on top of him, choking him and punching him in the mouth… then she was (making love to) him from behind with a thing strapped around her and broke a potted plant over his head, then straddled his unconscious face, bouncing her crotch over his face like a rabid gorilla. That’s when everything went black. Apparently I jumped out of the window. Thank God I live on the first floor.”

Scores of other’s weren’t so lucky.

Wept the mother of a sixteen year-old girl who lost her life to the video: “My Katrina came out of her room muttering ‘There is no God’ as if in a trance, and before I knew what was happening she was out the front door and walking straight into traffic. She was hit by an SUV and a bus and the resulting pile-up killed two other people – or four if you count the twins one of the women was pregnant with.”

Officials report that the final death toll wrought by the Coulter video will not be known for weeks, and possibly months, as the corpses continue to pile up around the globe and the threat of the video resurfacing, perhaps as part of a terrorist attack, is considered a strong possibility.

Spoke FBI spokesperson Elizabeth Parker: “We must admonish all members of the public in the strongest terms possible not to view this footage under any circumstances. Obviously there is a curiosity factor involved, and many might mistakenly believe themselves strong enough to view the footage without incident, but please refrain from doing so. The effect of the video manifests by offending the viewer’s deep subconscious in a way that provokes him or her to inflict grave, often fatal harm to their bodies - their genitals in particular - in fits of reflexive impulse that can’t be controlled. So please trust us when we promise you that this thing is not only disgusting but extremely dangerous.”