War on Xmas: Mass Burnings of 2013 Christmas Gifts Signal Renewed Hostilities

Thousands of tons of gifts from last year's holiday season went up in flames in organized public burnings around the country last night, signaling renewed hostilities in the War on Christmas.

The incineration of enormous piles of smartphones, cameras, iPads, clothes, televisions, jewelry, video game systems and even cars in hundreds of cities and towns from Portland, Maine to San Diego, California quickly reignited latent tensions between Anti-Consumerist, Consumerist and Black Friday Adventist factions.

"My wife got me a 60-inch high-definition TV for Christmas last year, which was great until I heard about the new ultra high-def TVs. After that, watching that piece of garbage made me want to puke so I smashed it and set it on fire," one man said.

Such statements have provoked the less patriotic.

"My daughter just emailed me a Christmas list with an iPhone 6 on it. I asked her what happened to the iPhone 5 I spent $400 to buy her last year, and she said she burned it," one disgruntled anti-consumerist fumed, "So this year I think I'll get her a flip phone and a dildo, tell her if she doesn't like the phone she can go fuck herself."