House Passes $500 Billion Funding Bill for War on Women

The U.S. House of Representatives approved a bill yesterday to allocate $500 billion to fund the war on women. The measure, which will also reduce the nation's corporate tax to 10%, narrowly passed 238-237 along the party line, with votes from female GOP Representatives such as Michele Bachmann proving decisive.

"I hate my vagina," proclaimed Bachmann, "It's a dirty, smelly thing."

The ongoing campaign against female Americans aims to deprive women access to affordable birth control, cancer screenings, and testing for sexually transmitted diseases.

"Such tests would not be necessary if women chose responsible, gainfully employed men like myself over these bad boy types with their name brand jeans," remarked an emotional House Speaker John Boehner, "Sure, they might look cool with all their tattoos, but guess what else they have? Genital warts."

Boehner continued tearfully: "I was a virgin until I was twenty-seven. All I wanted was to be loved."

With the additional funding at their disposal, operational commanders plan to assume a more offensive posture in the war on women, as was demonstrated last night by a Tomahawk missile attack on a San Diego movie theater screening the film "Girl Most Likely" that left 30 dead.

"What do you call 30 dead chicks?" Navy Admiral Chester Thurman asked rhetorically before answering: "A good start."

Added Thurman: "They know they've had this coming. They say you should just be yourself, but that's never good enough. So you try being someone else, and they laugh at you. Flash forward twenty years and you're married to a fat pig who spends twice your paycheck on cheap jewelry and shampoo by the caseload off the QVC."

Though the Joint Chiefs of Staff are being tight-lipped regarding specific details of any upcoming missions against women, it has been leaked that it would probably be a good idea for guys not to accompany their gals to any Tori Amos concerts for some time.