Teen Corner
With: Former Soviet Red Army General Uri Pavlovich

Regarded as the most astute of any former Soviet Red Army General on contemporary issues concerning American teenagers, Uri Pavlovich's constructive insights are an invaluable resource. To solicit General Pavlovich's peerless advice, submit your query to: contact

Dear Uri,

I'm scared of what life is. I'm scared of what I'm becoming. Uri, I need your help! My only friend at school has cerebral palsy (not that there's anything wrong with that), and lately I can't stop eating. I've gained 50 pounds this year, and kids at school have started calling me names like 'tubby' and 'lard ass'.  Perhaps worst of all, this guy I really like seems grossed out by me now. Some of his friends made oinking noises at me while I was eating a hamburger in the cafeteria, and I saw him laugh. 

Hefty in Huntsville

Dear Hefty,

Lard ass! That is a funny one! Hey, you remind me of girl I saw one time in Novosibirsk. I trying to drive around her, only to find myself at a later time in Vladivostok! Ha!  But why so upset? I was married for 30 years to woman the size of ox with face like Oleg Yankoviskiy.  She died from anti-tank missile attack while visiting family in Grozny after Chechnyan rebels confusing her for military transport vehicle.  Be firm with boy. Try hitting him in back of head with vodka bottle and dragging him back to dacha. When he wakes up, inform him that he will marry you. This is how I met my Olga.

Dear Uri,

Hi, I think I have a problem. I think I'm depressed. For the last two weeks I've been drinking vodka from the cabinet and wine every night before I go to bed. I hate my life and who I am. I am in high school and am so stressed out cuz I go to a hard school. My parents are so preoccupied with my brother and their own messed up lives that they don't even care about me. All they do is scream at me. Tonight they screamed at me for not hanging up my shirt the right way. They yell at me for everything. My only escape is to drink. I don't know what to do or who to talk to. Please help.

Sad in San Jose

Dear Crying Baby,

Weepy-weepy. You are right you have problem. You whine more than Georgian housewife standing on road beside shattered home. Boo-hoo, my school is hard. Boo-hoo, my parents do not permit improper storage of clothing.  Boo-hoo, Russian artillery left us with no place to live in own filth. I am telling you - if I catch my own son drinking vodka belonging to me or drinking wine like French ballet dancer, I would chain his testicles to winter tractor. Make your own vodka and stop crying like namby-pamby. Perestan' bit dabayobom!

Dear Uri,

I have a serious problem: I pull my hair out. My hair used to be so thick, a regular pony holder wouldn't fit. Now, after two years of pulling out hairs, rubber bands won't even stay in. I really wish I could stop, but I can't. Uri, is there any hope of me ever quitting?

Balding in Boise

Dear Balding,

You are crazy. You are reminding me of man in Vorkuta prison for treason to fatherland who pulled his hair out. But we made him living in dark room not tall enough for standing for 3 years, so he had good reason. You should be put in house for mental defectives.

Dear Uri,

So apparently my friends think I'm a nymphomaniac. They say just because I'm only 18 and have had sex with like, a hundred guys (I've never had a problem attracting men – I've often been told I look like a young Jessica Biel with even bigger breasts) that I have some sort of problem, and that it somehow has something to do with my dad leaving when I was seven and my mom being an alcoholic. What do you think?

Curious in Costa Mesa

Dear Curious,

One hundred men? This is nothing. Your friends are simply jealous. I once knew girl named Tatyana who by age of 20 had a sex with every man and boy in Artyomovsk - many with her own permission. Big deal. Some girl like Matryoshka doll, some like doing sex. But Curious, my dear, you seem so upset. I think you need vacation. My own home in Nizhegorordskaya along Gorgovskoye River in springtime is most beautiful place in world. I will pay all expense. My dear, please tell me that you will come.