Making Fundamentalist Christian Girls Miss Their Periods is a Real Hoot
By: Jesus H. Christ
What’s up my peoples? Jesus here. How’s it by you? Okay up here in heaven, but even for all its amenities and such, it can get a bit dull (I mean, what place wouldn’t get boring after like 2,000 years? LOL ;) Yep, I’ve pretty much had to invent a million ways to entertain myself over the centuries, and my omnipotence certainly has made for some great fun, but I gotta say, none of the stuff I’ve pulled is half as great as making Fundamentalist Christian girls miss their periods. Yes siree, making these chicks think their pregnant is a hoot and a half.
Oh goodness, if you could only see the looks on these girls’ faces when they come up dry for like, the fifth day in a row after their cycle normally kicks in. It’s classic. I’m telling you, these broads totally freak. The best are the ones that start to doubt their own chastity, like maybe they have split personality whatever and their alter egos are the town slut or something. Its incredible to watch them go from climbing their bedroom walls to projecting this facade like nothing at all’s the matter as they go about their daily lives. Classic.
Actually, no, now that I think about it the best ones have got to be the chicks who think they got knocked up from some random wayward semen trace their brothers or dads might have dribbled on a toilet seat or paper. You can only imagine how apeshit these birds go. Man!
Oh no! I did it again! No, hold on, the very very best ones are definitely, without a doubt the fruitcakes who start to harbor the notion that they’ve been made pregnant by immaculate conception and that they’re the vessel of the reincarnation of yours truly. I always let these chicks go for awhile – at least until they start to tell all their friends - LMAO!
Seriously, I should have my own TV show. You know, something along the lines of Jaime Kennedy or Punk’d. That’d be awesome. I’d pull some outrageous prank like making some holier-than-thou chick miss her period or get some guy to believe that the world is older than 5,000 years by planting a fake Brontosaurus skull in his backyard, then I’d show up and be like, ‘Hey buddy, you’ve totally just been Christ-o-fied!’ ROFLLMAO!
So I know that a lot of you are probably thinking – “What up, Jesus? That doesn’t sound very Christ-like of you”. Well, bite me. These fundamentalist types get my shroud in a bunch. They go around, promoting fear and hate and war in my name, acting like they know me when they don’t. I dedicated my life to helping the little guy and people in distress. I was a champion of the poor and the afflicted, whom I treated with compassion and love unconditionally regardless of their creed, color or sexual disposition and here come these butt-munchers two millennia later hating on homosexuals and Arabs and so forth in my name just because they do the nasty different and don’t kiss my rosy red sherries on Main Street? Well hey, guess what? I don’t give a rat’s ass. And besides, what these fundies need most is to learn to take a joke. I mean, have you ever seen a more uptight bunch of folks? Jesus Christ.