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Fecal Analysis Shows Paris Hilton Not Eating Enough Vegetables

A clinical analysis of Paris Hilton’s feces indicates the diva is not eating a properly nutritious diet, Inside Edition reported Thursday.

The conclusion of the report is the culmination of a study that analyzed dozens of samples of Hilton’s excrement harvested from sidewalks, parking lots, public fountains, nightclub dance floors and the backseats of limousines by entertainment reporters over a three-month span.

“These statistics are very troubling indeed,” remarked Daniel Markley, director of the lab that conducted the study, “Aside from the occasional trace of olive, I was unable to find any chemical evidence that Ms. Hilton has consumed a single fruit or vegetable in the past ten to twelve weeks. Not even corn or nuts.”

So if Paris isn’t getting her daily doctor’s recommended four to five servings of roughage, what is she eating?

“Judging from the levels of nitrites, ascorbic acid, ethanol, deoxyribonucleic acid and sodium benzoate observed in Ms. Hilton’s samples, taken together with the manner in which they fluoresce in the dark even before they're subjected to UV light, I’d speculate that she subsists almost entirely on cocktail wienies, Taco Bell, alcohol, and semen.”

Markley went on to describe the consequences a diet as bad as Paris’s could bring on.

“Not eating properly can incur a host of health problems, starting with the immediate effect of impaired mental functioning, but more relevant to Ms. Hilton’s case would be the damage she is doing to her liver, which probably would have already started to fail by now if it weren’t for the vitamins and zinc in all the semen she consumes.”

The report’s findings have triggered a wave of concern for the twiggy pop-icon, leading one worried fan to purchase her a subscription for a fruit of the month service - to no likely avail judging from a comment Hilton made to the paparazzi over the weekend.

“Somebody sent some like, apples to my house today but I threw them out. Sorry, but I don’t eat anything that grows in the ground. That’s totally ick.”

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