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Unmasked: Investigation Reveals Heather Mills McCartney A Pirate

A private investigation commissioned by members of Paul McCartney's family into the past of the former Beatle's soon to be ex-wife has revealed the shocking truth that Heather Mills McCartney is in fact the dread female pirate Captain Esmerelda Timbershins, suggesting her marriage to the aging rocker was nothing more than a case of dry-land larceny of the grandest scale.

Timbershins' true history paints an entirely different picture than the facade she projected as McCartney's wife, socialite and philanthropist. Although her early years remain shrouded in mystery, it is now known that Timbershins was born Ruth Dawkins to a retired prostitute and used car dealer in Portsmouth, England, where she lived until the age of 15 when she won a fishing boat from a Chinese man in a poker game and sailed away from home to Indonesia, retaining the man and his family until she became her own capable captain, shot them all and pushed them overboard. In the years that followed, Timbershins assembled a motley crew of derelicts and began preying on cargo ships and private crafts in the Straits of Malacca and throughout the Bay of Bengal where she quickly cultivated a reputation as one of the most fearsome and bloodthirsty pirates the area has ever known.

Noted Rudolph Schmidt, who undertook the investigation, "To be certain, Mrs. McCartney, that is, Captain Timbershins, was anything but the saint she pretended to be after coming ashore to swindle Paul. That was all just her craft. Timbershins couldn't care less about the starving, abused creatures of the world. Her crew was known to have pillaged and sunk several United Nations ships attempting to provide relief for flood victims in Bangladesh in 1994, and on another occassion, upon discovering dozens of refugees in the stores of a cargo ship bound for America, Timbershins ordered the children and elderly thrown into the ocean before sailing to Kuala Lampur to sell the rest into slavery."

According to Schmidt, Timbershins' account of how she lost her leg was the first untruth he encountered, spurring the rest of the investigation.

"Timbershins said her leg was amputated at the knee as a result of trauma she sustained from being hit by a motorcycle, but this is patently false. There is no record of the purported accident. In fact, her leg was eaten by a shark sometime in the early 1980s, resulting in her current moniker," the report reads.

Sadly, it was also discovered that millions of dollars in donations made to charities established by Mrs. McCartney under pretenses of fighting animal cruelty and helping land mine victims have since been liquidated, converted to gold and presumably buried.

Groused an unrepentant Timbershins, now in the custody of Scotland Yard: "Aargh, you landlubbers might have put me in irons afore I got my hooks on McCartney's treasure, but I'll swing from the gallows afore I draw ye a map to me booty. Shiver me timbers!"

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Where's Our Big Fat Faith Based Charity Check, You Nazi Swine?