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Sloppy Shooter Kills 2, Wounds 44
The shooter, identified as 33 year-old Colin Thiel of Clayton, stalked the building for nearly ten minutes and fired hundreds of rounds from an array of automatic and semi-automatic weapons before putting a gun to his own head and grazing his ear, officials report. According to National Rifle Association representative Leo Johnson, Thiel's lack of marksmanship is symptomatic of a national epidemic. "Extrapolating from mass murder kill-ratios, America's firearm accuracy has been on a steady decline for decades," lamented Johnson, "Unfortunately, the numbers don't lie."
"Charles Whitman shot eleven people dead from the 28th floor of a tower at the University of Texas in 1966, and 45 years later our kids can barely wing their history professor from ten feet. It's really quite disturbing if you think about it," said Johnson. Johnson says the solution to fixing America's broken aim is simple. "Practice, practice, practice," he said, "Hit the range. It's not enough to just own guns. You need to know how to use them. What if Canada or Mexico invaded tomorrow? It could happen."
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